What if, one day, you wake up in an asylum?
This is an old poem of mine. I thought about this while going home from UST about two years ago. I kept on reciting the verses in my head until I got to write it eventually.
Pag sinabi ko na “mahal kita”, parang nagsisinungaling lang ako.
Sinasabi ko ito nang may hawak na patalim.
Sinasabi ko ito habang tumutulo ang dugo mo sa sahig,
At ikaw ay naghihingalo.
Habang dahan-dahang hinuhugot ko ang mga sinulid sa iyong t-shirt,
Inaamin ko ang aking libog para sa iyo
Sandali nalang ang natitira sa buhay mo.
Pinapanood kita magdusa, sakit at saya nagsama-sama.
Mabulunan ka sa aking usok.
Habang sinasabi ko sa’yo paulit-ulit na mahal kita,
Pinapasok ko ang ari ko sa iyo.
Sige pa, tangina. Pipilitin ko pa.
Tayo’y nakabalot sa dugo, pawis, at likido ng katawan.
Ang pakiramdam sa aking ulo, parang isang pulso na nagdurugtong sa kaibuturan ng aking utak.
Habang ika’y nagdurugo at naghihingalo
Bibigyan kita ng semilya sa mukha.
Tinatawanan ko lang ang aking nakikita.
Tapos na ang aking obra.
Dumurugo pa rin ang iyong puki. Gumapang ka papunta sa akin,
ang iyong mala-porselanang kutis ay nabalutan na.
Habang ikaw ay nakalatag sa sahig at mamamatay na.
The original (but slightly edited) text
Saying “I love you” seems like a lie.
I say it with a knife on my hand.
I say it with your blood dripping on the floor,
as you choke on words.
Slowly pulling the threads on your shirt,
I confess my lust for you.
Even though it seems that
Your life isn’t going to last long.
I watch you suffer, pain and bliss intertwine.
Suffocate on your own cloud of smoke…
While I say it again and again,
thrusting my dick into your pussy.
Bleed, bitch. Bleed.
We’re bathed in blood, sweat, and cum.
This thrill inside my head, (like) pulses and pulses thread the existential neurons.
Be. While you bleed and gasp for air,
I will cover your face with semen.
I laugh and laugh at the sight.
My masterpiece is done. (and) You’re still bleeding in your crotch.
Crawl slowly to me, face me with your sins.
Your porcelain skin is now covered in mixed media.
As you lay there dying.
Mini Thought #1
“Ano nga ba ang gradiation ng pag-ibig?”
Isang araw, sa lumang Unibersidad, tinanong ito sa akin ng aking kaibigan. Hindi ko siya sinagot. Wala akong konkretong sagot sa isang abstract na konsepto. Pero, alam ko ang ibig niyang sabihin.
Ikinukumpara niya ang pag-ibig na binibigay natin sa ating mga magulang at sa iba. Ano nga ba ang pinagkaiba? Sa tingin ko, alam ko na…
Mini Thought #2
Mahirap tanggapin ang mga pangyayari sa mga naging ka-relasyon ko. O mahirap nga pero tinatanggi ko na tinatanggap ko.
“Okay lang ako.”
Pero, putangina, sinong niloko ko? Sinong gago ang maniniwala sa akin? Sige nga.
Mini Thought #3
It’s been one helluva roller-coaster ride. Parang Disneyland lang… habang nasa bahagi ka ng ulo ni Mickey Mouse, akala mo nasa Space-Time Continuum ka. Puta, deep shit, maaaaaan!
Sa bagay, mabuti na ring mahigop sa kawalan. Parang usok ng yosi.
Mini Thought #4
Sabihin na natin na gusto ko pa rin siya. Anong mapapala ko? Nasa iba naman siya.
Mini Thought #4.5
Hindi fairy tale ang buhay. Siguro sa mata ng Diyos, oo. Pero, hindi niya tayo kontrolado nang buo. Tayo pa rin ang may desisyon kung ano ang gagawin natin sa buhay natin.
Kaya ako, pinili ko na lang magsulat ng aking saloobin.
Mini Thought #5
Hindi ko man lang naisip na simula noon pa, hindi ko nakita at kinuha ang mga pagkakataon. Nandun na, pinakawalan ko pa.
Inutil ka talaga.
Mini Thought #6
Hindi ko kailangan maging rocket scientist para malaman kung anong kagaguhan ang ginawa ko. Simple lang: I like giving stark comments. Problema kasi sa mga taong kausap ko, hindi nila alam kung seryoso ako o hindi. Sayang naman yung talino niyo.
Mini Thought #7
Loving is not hard. It’s the commitment that makes it hard. Think of it as life in general. Life is not hard but surviving is.
Mini Thought #8
Pero, masaya nga naman ang pakiramdam na nagkakaroon ako ng mga crush. Pero, siyempre, ayaw ko na gumawa nang kahit ano maliban sa humanga.
Mini Thought #9
Ang dami kong nilagay na kulay sa aking canvas. Sa dami ng kulay, hindi ko na alam kung ano ang gusto kong bawasan o ilagay. Sa dami ng kulay, hindi ko alam kung paano makikilala ang aking katha. I don’t know what will make it unique.
Hindi lang sila basta kulay. Ang kulay ang nagbibigay buhay sa isang pintor, sa isang alagad ng sining. Pero, ang dami kong nilagay.
Sabi nga sa art school, treat your canvas as if it’s your loved one. Handle with care daw. Tangina. Sabog na naman ang aking katha.
Pipinturahan dapat kita. Matagal ko na itong sinabi sa’yo. Ilang beses ko nang ginawa. Perpekto dapat. Walang sablay. Pero, katulad nang nararamdaman ko sa’yo, sumasablay ako palagi. Lagi na lang.
Ano ba ang kulay na nababagay sa iyo ngayon? Pula? Itim? Puti? Asul? Berde? Ikaw ba ay may kulay pa rin?
Sadyang mahirap kang bigyan ng kulay. Dahil kahit anong ilagay ko na kulay, hindi pa rin bumabagay sa alam kong nakikita ko sa’yo.
The Four Seasons plays on the side.
Smoke covers the entirety of my room
Two of which, if examined closely, are co-centric circles
Making their way outside the room
In a straight/zig-zag transparent/translucent vapor trail.
Meanwhile, on the floor, Post-It notes are scattered like autumn leaves.
Scribbled notes, feelings, thoughts, failures,
Make their way into cyberspace,
Into this nonsensical poem:
I’m on a stand-still.
Everything is in time-lapse.
Don’t talk to me in words I will never understand.
I will never listen.
Yesterday, your smile meant something,
What does it mean now?
How come I see myself as a failure?
The music stopped playing minutes ago.
Time to clean my room.
These Post-It notes and ashes from my cigarette
Are just memories for the night.
I was asked by my former blockmate at the University about my stand on lomography. A trend which, by the way, is slowly fading away because of the cheap entry-level cameras provided by Canon and Nikon.
I have not given any clear thought about my stand on lomography until now. In fact, what I initially said to my blockmate was an impulsive reaction as to why I hate lomography.
Okay, let me make this clear. First of all, “hating” lomography is a personal preference than a consensus. There might be professional photographers who will defend lomography. It is important to point out the reasons why people love it and people hate it. I’ll be dealing with both while, of course, taking my stand (hating lomography).
Lomography is a form of photography that goes beyond the rules of traditional photography. The differences are clear, to the eyes of a traditional photographer: Lomography uses a 120-125mm film which is quite expensive and hard-to-find. The camera body is plastic which can be easily disposed (or broken), which colors that attract people. The cameras are said to be called “toy cameras” because of these two traits of the camera body. And the rules I stated above? Well, it’s only a general rule: “Shoot from the hip.” If you take a look at lomography pictures, you may notice that many of them are not eye-level. That is because the rule literally says so, “shoot from the hip!” It’s also a double pun, if you ask me. It’s suppose to imply that shooting from the hip is actually “hip” or “cool”. This is one of the reasons why many people, especially the youngsters, like lomography. It’s really for the “hip” factor. Lomography, according to many youngsters, is supposed to be fun and makes people enjoy photography. But, for me, isn’t traditional photography doing that? They’ll argue that while it (traditional photography) is fun and makes people enjoy, it is quite expensive (an entry-level DSLR from Nikon is about 23,000php while a Diana lomo camera is around 4,500php-5,000php) therefore, not accessible for those who want to take up photography. Okay, then. But, what about 35mm SLR cameras? Aren’t they at the same price bracket? (Second-hand 35mm cameras cost roughly around 3,000-20,000php, depending on its rarity and desperation of the seller.) They’ll argue that 35mm is too technical for their taste.
And this is where the line begins to be defined. Lomography caters to people with short attention span who wants to shoot on-the-fly. While I see no problem there, the attitude that most lomographers have is that they can’t touch a 35mm camera because it’s too technical does not appeal to me. What do they mean by “too technical?” Isn’t that the reason why 35mm cameras have an instruction manual? And, this is the important part of it, how can you learn the BASIC photography rules if you just “shoot from the hip?” I see no effort with these lomographers to actually shoot with a 35mm and consider their cameras as an extension of their eyes.
Some of these lomographers have jumped to the 35mm/DSLR craze when Nikon released their cheapest entry-level cameras (starting with Nikon D60). But, their style was apparent: Most of them still shoot from the hip. And to achieve the lomo effect (high saturation, low density, mid contrast, almost washed-out colors) they’ll use an image manipulation program like GIMP, or Photoshop.
Which reminds me, most of these lomo people have told me that lomo is superior to 35mm/DSLR because of this effect. Oh my God! I can’t believe it! There’s something these youngsters don’t know: 35mm/DSLR photography CAN achieve lomo effects with the right tools and creativity. Again, I find no effort with these people to actually go to that.
But, I am not dismissing that lomography is inferior. In fact, by the way I type here, I am attacking the people who takes lomography seriously. I can buy a Diana camera and a sample 125mm film and shoot. But you’ll never hear me say that lomo is better than 35mm or vice versa. It’s a personal preference.
I’m 21 years old and, already, I’m thinking too far ahead. But, let me tell you this, I will not get married. In fact, I told all of the girlfriends I had that I will not marry them, much to their dismay. But, why don’t I want to get married? I’ve thought of reasons, in two parts, to support my statement. All of which are based on other people’s experience and my observations.
1) The first reason is that I do not have any religion or religious affinity(ies). From this reason alone, it is impossible for me to get married. Okay, let’s eliminate this rule because, apparently, there are loopholes to this reason. The first, and most obvious loophole, is when I officially get baptized. I may consider it someday. But, due to the rising tension(s) between the Church and the State, I do not see myself fitting in the social construction according to the Church. I find it hard to acquaint myself with a body of belief that I despised for many years. Believe me, organized religion is one of the most complex social structures I have encountered. Complex because it deals with many things that requires an in-depth knowledge about the faith. I am not exaggerating this. Second, if I find a non-Christian sect and marry my girl there. I see this impossible. The thing with choosing a religion is that if I choose one, I’ll be bound by the structure of their teachings. I hate that. Therefore, marriage by any form of religious rite is out of my list.
2) I hate the government. I do not trust the government. This automatically eliminates civil marriage. Come to think of it, how can a marriage be civil? When two married people are fighting each other, isn’t that, I don’t know, uncivil? Don’t get me started about domestic violence!
3) I have an unbelievably high standard(s) when it comes to women. Why this is related to why I won’t get married is important because it (my standards) affects it (the reason why I won’t get married)
I find it normal for people to set standards. But, some say, I should lower it. I can’t do anything about it, you know. I patterned mine after my own mother! But, of course, a little bit of adjustments were needed to give myself my own satisfaction without thinking that the girl was patterned after my mom. That would be freaky. And this brings me to the fourth reason which is directly related to this reason.
4) We all get old. Our physiology is meant to decay when we reach a certain point in life, usually when we think too much or have thought of nothing. At this point, I could be just as good as a bachelor who fucks a lot of younger women. But, that will never happen.
5) The whole game is too complicated for my taste. In fact, from the “getting to know you” stage up until the end of the marriage, it’s just a complex network of twist-and-turns that even an experienced driver can not even navigate. Let me cite an example of this: from the getting-to-know-you stage, I might see a girl on our first date that tickles my fancy. Likewise, the girl may see a man that makes her pussy wet. Then, after the first two months of the getting-to-know-you stage, I decided to just see the girl I dated but the girl has been showing signs of irregularity akin to a fake bowel movement. What does that make of us in the long run? If I stay faithful and the girl doesn’t, it will make me look like a fool. I don’t like being the fool. I’ve had too much of it. So, rather than to cheat the game, I’d rather press start and quit.
At this point, I would like to say that there is a “Konami Code” in every relationship. Just don’t mash the damn buttons.
So, that’s it for the first part. I’ll write the second part when the reasons come up again. Haha.