(3:55AM) Night music: sleepmakeswaves – “What We Cannot Speak Of Must Be Passed Over In Silence”
Tonight, I spent time with my friends. It was momentous. As of this typing, we’re here in my room and, well, they’re sleeping.
The people, in question, are my best friend from UST, Dan; and our newfound friend, Samantha, who graduated from, coincidentally, UST, who we both met through an internet forum. Dan and I have been close for 6 years (and counting) but our new friend really wracks my nerves… in a good way. God, I can’t believe I’m trying this approach again after, I suppose, high school. I’m such a fucking hopeless romantic. Ha! Ha! Ha! Well, fuck. I’ve tried to get into her psyche but she keeps on blocking herself from us. I’m pretty sure she’s not putting any walls around her. Because I know how it feels to have walls put on another person. She just wants to block something; to filter things inside her. I guess that’s how her psyche works as of late.
She thinks our, especially my, intention is only a temporary thing. Hah! I beg to disagree. The moment I offered myself to be her friend, I never had any other intention than that. But, I admit, I was offended when she said that. Being highly principled really makes me lose this shit, right? God. I just wish things were a bit more easy for the both of us. Please, please. Open up, will you? I’m not trying to intrude.
Reality check, Anton. Reality check: Everything will not always fall in your favor. Not always. I guess, I’m having a hard time coming to terms with reality. My mentality and my 24-year-old convictions are put to the test with this one. I’ve never met a girl like her. Ever.
Right now, I’m looking at her, she’s sleeping soundly. Well, she’s drunk…
I really don’t know why I’m really smitten at her. Smitten by her so-called “hopelessness.” She keeps on telling me that she’s more hopeless than I am. While I beg to disagree again, I cannot help but be more curious. Everyday is like a puzzle, a labyrinth, to her heart, to her soul. I nearly wanted to say: “Dear, the world is already hopeless as it is. You’re not different from any one, from any thing, despite any circumstances.” I asked her how she’s different from the rest. No definite answer. But, she’s always affirming her “hopelessness.” To which I nearly got ticked-off. Really. My apathy and sympathy didn’t jive. But, I’m not really impatient with this demeanor of hers. Really. The more I’m challenged to feel, and not think, the more I want to be there for her. Ugh. What am I saying? Is this really me?
The question for me now is should I be persistent? I know that if I unveil her, she’ll put majority of her trust in me. I’m all up for that, actually. What the fuck. Ah, again, I’m such a hopeless romantic —one of the things I am hopeless at.
Telling her that she needs to have that one person who will be her becoming. (A guy, perhaps? I really don’t know.) It’s some weird philosophical shit I’ve lived by for the past three or four years. It’s strange now that this philosophy of mine is something I can share to someone who really needs it, in my opinion. Her becoming, if ever, should be as momentous as the first time I saw her in the flesh: That instantaneous moment of being smitten at her.
I’m pretty sure I’m all up for this roller-coaster ride.
Well, I think I need to rest. I promised them I’ll wake them up in… 2 hours. Shit. Ha! Well, I guess I have to do my tried-and-tested high school days sleeping method.
P.S: She’s snoring, I guess. Hahaha. What the hell. Everyone has a flaw, too, right? :)